in may, it will be 4 years since she passed away. four long years. i can't believe it's been that long. sometimes i feel like i'm forgetting her.. like memories of her are fading. and lately, i've been having so
many dreams about her. i've spent the last 2 days reading over my xanga (old blog). and kind of reliving the year(s) she was sick & just going back over what was going on in my life. at times, it doesn't feel as though she's gone. and i just want to call her on the phone, but can't. and talking to my sis, gina, on sunday just made me miss her even more.
as i look at my son & how he's growing.. it makes me sad to think that she is missing out.. that we are missing out. she was just too young. just how my son needs me or i am the only one to make things right for him.. that's what my mom was to me. she was that person.. always. she was my best friend, my everything. and at times, i need my mother. i need her to encourage me. i miss her tremendously. i feel like my life moved kind of quickly after she passed away (i wouldn't change a thing, though).. and i never really had the time to fully grieve her. i go through times when i am okay & times when she's all i think about. and i just get so down. sometimes my heart just hurts & longs for her. and feel like i can't go on.
i look at moms with their daughters & it makes me jealous to think that i will never ever have that relationship again. and sometimes that's all i really want. i know nothing i do, say or pray will ever bring her back. through the last few years of her life, we grew close, especially during her illness. and then she was gone. her death was pretty traumatizing.. considering i was the only one there with her during her "final" moments. i have so many questions.. with no answers. i feel like if i had these answers, i would be more at peace with things. i know God had/has a plan.. but sometimes it's hard to see it... to understand it. and i know i may never get my answers in this lifetime. life was never meant to be easy.
and through the years, i have been blessed with some amazing women in my life. but they will never be my Mommy. i know these women love me as their own and i am so grateful for them. it just will never be the same.
the only thing i can really do is hope & pray i see her again & aspire to be just like her. to live & love like her. to be the Godly woman, mother, friend & wife she was.
so i leave with this list..
things i miss about my Mommy:
- her hugs & kisses
- me kissing & hugging her
- her laughter
- her friendship
- the way she said my name "yessica" or called me by my middle name
- watching her and Daddy dance
- her food!!
- shopping like every week & hiding our purchases from dad
- hearing her hum or sing
- her yelling at the boys. ha!
- her ghetto dancing in the car
- our conversations
- being her princess
- her advice
- holding her fragile, soft hands (i didn't want to let go when time to close casket)
- her love for the family
- her being strong will & stubborn when she wanted something (i get it from her)
- the way she smelled (cotton blossom or chanel)
- her getting mad at me for using her perfume & then buying me my own
- me holding her
- laying in my bed talking about life
- seeing the way she loved & trusted God
- everything
she was so beautiful.. inside & out.
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