a tribute to my mom

i'm in a very nostalgic mood this week. my birthday is coming up on sunday. and i just feel blah. i loove birthdays. i love my birthday. but all i can really think about is how much i miss my mom.

in may, it will be 4 years since she passed away. four long years. i can't believe it's been that long. sometimes i feel like i'm forgetting her.. like memories of her are fading. and lately, i've been having so

many dreams about her. i've spent the last 2 days reading over my xanga (old blog). and kind of reliving the year(s) she was sick & just going back over what was going on in my life. at times, it doesn't feel as though she's gone. and i just want to call her on the phone, but can't. and talking to my sis, gina, on sunday just made me miss her even more.

as i look at my son & how he's growing.. it makes me sad to think that she is missing out.. that we are missing out. she was just too young. just how my son needs me or i am the only one to make things right for him.. that's what my mom was to me. she was that person.. always. she was my best friend, my everything. and at times, i need my mother. i need her to encourage me. i miss her tremendously. i feel like my life moved kind of quickly after she passed away (i wouldn't change a thing, though).. and i never really had the time to fully grieve her. i go through times when i am okay & times when she's all i think about. and i just get so down. sometimes my heart just hurts & longs for her. and feel like i can't go on.

i look at moms with their daughters & it makes me jealous to think that i will never ever have that relationship again. and sometimes that's all i really want. i know nothing i do, say or pray will ever bring her back. through the last few years of her life, we grew close, especially during her illness. and then she was gone. her death was pretty traumatizing.. considering i was the only one there with her during her "final" moments. i have so many questions.. with no answers. i feel like if i had these answers, i would be more at peace with things. i know God had/has a plan.. but sometimes it's hard to see it... to understand it. and i know i may never get my answers in this lifetime. life was never meant to be easy.

and through the years, i have been blessed with some amazing women in my life. but they will never be my Mommy. i know these women love me as their own and i am so grateful for them. it just will never be the same.

the only thing i can really do is hope & pray i see her again & aspire to be just like her. to live & love like her. to be the Godly woman, mother, friend & wife she was.

so i leave with this list..

things i miss about my Mommy:

- her hugs & kisses

- me kissing & hugging her

- her laughter

- her friendship

- the way she said my name "yessica" or called me by my middle name

- watching her and Daddy dance

- her food!!

- shopping like every week & hiding our purchases from dad

- hearing her hum or sing

- her yelling at the boys. ha!

- her ghetto dancing in the car

- our conversations

- being her princess

- her advice

- holding her fragile, soft hands (i didn't want to let go when time to close casket)

- her love for the family

- her being strong will & stubborn when she wanted something (i get it from her)

- the way she smelled (cotton blossom or chanel)

- her getting mad at me for using her perfume & then buying me my own

- me holding her

- laying in my bed talking about life

- seeing the way she loved & trusted God

- everything

she was so beautiful.. inside & out.

festive weekend!

my little family had a pretty festive weekend. it was my honey's 25th birthday. i think he is so funny. all week or month leading up to his birthday, he is so happy about it coming up.. but when the day gets here, he's depressed. his mom said he's always been like that & his sister is the same way. so because i knew he was a little "down", i wanted to brighten his spirits when he woke. friday night (birthday eve), after i put fox down for the night & brandon had already gone to bed, i decorated our dining area with streamers, balloon & a happy birthday banner. all in the dark! i was afraid brandon would wake up from his little snoring fest & see lights on & get curious.

when we woke up saturday, i made him a delicious birthday breakfast of biscuits with sausage gravy and cheesy scrambled eggs. and when he came to the kitchen/dining area, his face lit up like a little boy. it was definitely cute. we all had breakfast together as a family. we spent most of the day just relaxing. that's what saturdays are for, anyways. i asked brandon what kind of cake he wanted because i was either going to buy one or make one.. and what did he want?!? a zebra cake cake! yes, that's what we decided to call it. he wanted a cake made out of zebra cakes. oh geez! i was kinda against it, but because it was his birthday, i couldn't refuse. so what i basically did was just put a bunch of zebra cakes together, iced the top, layer it with more zebra cakes & ice the top & sides. it was quite interesting. and we definitely had a sugar rush! haha! it was pretty funny. that night, we tried to go eat for his birthday, but it seemed as though everyone in this small town wanted to celebrate valentine's day that night & all the restaurants were so packed... except el chico. so that was his birthday dinner.

valentine's day was pretty special for me this year. it was my first valentine's day as a mother. i woke up to my birthday streamers & balloons being replaced with red streamers & valentine's day balloons. brandon must have done it was i was asleep. we all exchanged our little valentine's gifts & read our cards. the day was filled with church & lunch with friends. for the first time since we been here, lunch with friends on sunday felt like the old days in albuquerque. i miss that. we've just been so busy with our own lives & this & that lately.. my favorite things about sundays are the naps! i will not ever go without a sunday nap if i can help it! heehee! and because we don't have a babysitter, daddy (brandon) took fox & i out for valentine's day dinner. we went to an italian restaurant.. and the food was so good! i'm always scared about going out to eat with fox. i never know how he is going to behave. haha! one day he will be a perfect little angel & the next, he's just a little horror, crying & screaming. and i was a little hesitant going into this restaurant because as we walked in, you see all these couples having their romantic, candle-lit dinner, their heads close to each other, eyes locked on one another. and all i could do was pray my child behaved. luckily, we were placed in the far corner.. and he was not the only baby there. that always makes me feel better, when someone else's child mis-behaves more than mine. heehee! i think most mothers are like that!

so needless to say, we all had a pretty good weekend! and we're sick this week! ha! my little pumpkin & i have been under the weather the past few days.. i believe we both have a little head cold. i've come to realize.. that since i've been here in arkansas, i have been more sick than i have my entire life. which is definitely not cool, but i'm sure i'll get over it. my birthday is coming up in 11 days! and unlike my husband, i love my birthday! i just love birthdays. there are a few moments during my birthday that i do get a little depressed. i always think of my Mom & how i wish she were here to celebrate. i think as a parent you try to make all of your baby's "first(s)" really special.. such as their first halloween, first christmas, first valentine, first birthday. and it's not only about that, but our holidays/birthdays are so special, also. and i'm looking forward to my "first" birthday as a mother! it doesn't have to be about all the glitz & festivities, but about spending it with the ones i love the most.

i must come to a close.. the little one awoke from his nap! ha! i'll post pics soon of this past weekend!

poo!

okay.. so i have been the worst at keeping this thing updated.. i know it's been several months. i think about writing.. and then forget. i need to make more time for this. i know it would help get my thoughts out of my head. i need an escape.. because sometimes i think my mind will be the death of me.

but anyways! i love my life. i have been so blessed these past few years.. especially the last several months. i feel like my life is more complete. i have an amazing husband & child. my baby boy, ethan fox, is 6.5 months old! the time has flown by so fast. i've already started planning his first birthday party! heehee! he has 2 teeth, eats baby food, grabs my face & gives me kisses, he scoots & rolls! and his poop smells like big boys! haha! but he's such a joy! he looks so much like his daddy.. and it makes me just love them both even more!

so a little update on my life.. two weeks after fox was born, we moved to arkansas. i've enjoyed being back in the south for the most part. we live in a very small town.. one of the cons being that there is not much to do at all! i dream of moving back to a bigger city.. but for now, i wlll try to be more content with where i am & enjoy my life. we've been able to see our families just about every month! i have missed my family the past couple of years. so that is a pro for being in arkansas. i am a stay at home mommy for now. i am looking for a job.. we'll just see how it goes. i love seeing fox grow & feel so blessed to be able to do so.

since i have missed quite a few months of writing & posting pictures.. i am providing the links to my pictures on facebook... so you can see all that we have been up to the past few months... and see how much my boy has grown.

our little sweetpea

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2051028&id=80502234&l=90e297bb2f

our bam bam

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2065933&id=80502234&l=1f911ff85c

first christmas

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2068361&id=80502234&l=939a6adaf8

snow

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2072436&id=80502234&l=67e9efe8eb

love my life

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2071118&id=80502234&l=85d99e94a1

okay.. now that you're caught up with pictures (i hope it works).. i will try my hardest to keep this blog updated with posts & pictures.

oh.. here is my link to youtube videos..

http://www.youtube.com/user/JessCotten28

i will get off now.. try to get something done while fox naps! :)

see you soon!