my birthday weekend

i had a really great birthday. i didn't do much of anything.. but spend it with the ones i love. my daddy drove up on saturday to see me.. i mean, to see fox. heehee! fox really enjoyed having his lito here. i was really surprised that he didn't freak out. as of late, we've been experiencing a lot of separation anxiety & fox freaks out when i even walk out of the room. but he was really laid back with my dad. unfortunately, brandon didn't get to go eat with us saturday night due to church & i missed out because of my dad's visit. on my birthday (sunday), i cooked breakfast for everyone.. and we just lounged around the house. we went to eat lunch at one of my favorite restaurants, catfish hole. and lito had to make the 6 hour drive back home. boo! :( so brandon, fox & i drove to tulsa (1.5 hr away) to look/shop around the mall & eat at the cheesecake factory for my birthday. oh! the cheesecake was sooo good. i'm craving one right now as i think about it. it was really was a great day. i'm so glad my daddy got to come up...even if it was so short & it meant a lot to me. in the next few posts, i will write about what i got and bought with my birthday money. i'm pretty stoked!

but here are a few pictures from brandon's bday

valentine's day

my birthday/ lito's visit

a tribute to my mom

i'm in a very nostalgic mood this week. my birthday is coming up on sunday. and i just feel blah. i loove birthdays. i love my birthday. but all i can really think about is how much i miss my mom.

in may, it will be 4 years since she passed away. four long years. i can't believe it's been that long. sometimes i feel like i'm forgetting her.. like memories of her are fading. and lately, i've been having so

many dreams about her. i've spent the last 2 days reading over my xanga (old blog). and kind of reliving the year(s) she was sick & just going back over what was going on in my life. at times, it doesn't feel as though she's gone. and i just want to call her on the phone, but can't. and talking to my sis, gina, on sunday just made me miss her even more.

as i look at my son & how he's growing.. it makes me sad to think that she is missing out.. that we are missing out. she was just too young. just how my son needs me or i am the only one to make things right for him.. that's what my mom was to me. she was that person.. always. she was my best friend, my everything. and at times, i need my mother. i need her to encourage me. i miss her tremendously. i feel like my life moved kind of quickly after she passed away (i wouldn't change a thing, though).. and i never really had the time to fully grieve her. i go through times when i am okay & times when she's all i think about. and i just get so down. sometimes my heart just hurts & longs for her. and feel like i can't go on.

i look at moms with their daughters & it makes me jealous to think that i will never ever have that relationship again. and sometimes that's all i really want. i know nothing i do, say or pray will ever bring her back. through the last few years of her life, we grew close, especially during her illness. and then she was gone. her death was pretty traumatizing.. considering i was the only one there with her during her "final" moments. i have so many questions.. with no answers. i feel like if i had these answers, i would be more at peace with things. i know God had/has a plan.. but sometimes it's hard to see it... to understand it. and i know i may never get my answers in this lifetime. life was never meant to be easy.

and through the years, i have been blessed with some amazing women in my life. but they will never be my Mommy. i know these women love me as their own and i am so grateful for them. it just will never be the same.

the only thing i can really do is hope & pray i see her again & aspire to be just like her. to live & love like her. to be the Godly woman, mother, friend & wife she was.

so i leave with this list..

things i miss about my Mommy:

- her hugs & kisses

- me kissing & hugging her

- her laughter

- her friendship

- the way she said my name "yessica" or called me by my middle name

- watching her and Daddy dance

- her food!!

- shopping like every week & hiding our purchases from dad

- hearing her hum or sing

- her yelling at the boys. ha!

- her ghetto dancing in the car

- our conversations

- being her princess

- her advice

- holding her fragile, soft hands (i didn't want to let go when time to close casket)

- her love for the family

- her being strong will & stubborn when she wanted something (i get it from her)

- the way she smelled (cotton blossom or chanel)

- her getting mad at me for using her perfume & then buying me my own

- me holding her

- laying in my bed talking about life

- seeing the way she loved & trusted God

- everything

she was so beautiful.. inside & out.

festive weekend!

my little family had a pretty festive weekend. it was my honey's 25th birthday. i think he is so funny. all week or month leading up to his birthday, he is so happy about it coming up.. but when the day gets here, he's depressed. his mom said he's always been like that & his sister is the same way. so because i knew he was a little "down", i wanted to brighten his spirits when he woke. friday night (birthday eve), after i put fox down for the night & brandon had already gone to bed, i decorated our dining area with streamers, balloon & a happy birthday banner. all in the dark! i was afraid brandon would wake up from his little snoring fest & see lights on & get curious.

when we woke up saturday, i made him a delicious birthday breakfast of biscuits with sausage gravy and cheesy scrambled eggs. and when he came to the kitchen/dining area, his face lit up like a little boy. it was definitely cute. we all had breakfast together as a family. we spent most of the day just relaxing. that's what saturdays are for, anyways. i asked brandon what kind of cake he wanted because i was either going to buy one or make one.. and what did he want?!? a zebra cake cake! yes, that's what we decided to call it. he wanted a cake made out of zebra cakes. oh geez! i was kinda against it, but because it was his birthday, i couldn't refuse. so what i basically did was just put a bunch of zebra cakes together, iced the top, layer it with more zebra cakes & ice the top & sides. it was quite interesting. and we definitely had a sugar rush! haha! it was pretty funny. that night, we tried to go eat for his birthday, but it seemed as though everyone in this small town wanted to celebrate valentine's day that night & all the restaurants were so packed... except el chico. so that was his birthday dinner.

valentine's day was pretty special for me this year. it was my first valentine's day as a mother. i woke up to my birthday streamers & balloons being replaced with red streamers & valentine's day balloons. brandon must have done it was i was asleep. we all exchanged our little valentine's gifts & read our cards. the day was filled with church & lunch with friends. for the first time since we been here, lunch with friends on sunday felt like the old days in albuquerque. i miss that. we've just been so busy with our own lives & this & that lately.. my favorite things about sundays are the naps! i will not ever go without a sunday nap if i can help it! heehee! and because we don't have a babysitter, daddy (brandon) took fox & i out for valentine's day dinner. we went to an italian restaurant.. and the food was so good! i'm always scared about going out to eat with fox. i never know how he is going to behave. haha! one day he will be a perfect little angel & the next, he's just a little horror, crying & screaming. and i was a little hesitant going into this restaurant because as we walked in, you see all these couples having their romantic, candle-lit dinner, their heads close to each other, eyes locked on one another. and all i could do was pray my child behaved. luckily, we were placed in the far corner.. and he was not the only baby there. that always makes me feel better, when someone else's child mis-behaves more than mine. heehee! i think most mothers are like that!

so needless to say, we all had a pretty good weekend! and we're sick this week! ha! my little pumpkin & i have been under the weather the past few days.. i believe we both have a little head cold. i've come to realize.. that since i've been here in arkansas, i have been more sick than i have my entire life. which is definitely not cool, but i'm sure i'll get over it. my birthday is coming up in 11 days! and unlike my husband, i love my birthday! i just love birthdays. there are a few moments during my birthday that i do get a little depressed. i always think of my Mom & how i wish she were here to celebrate. i think as a parent you try to make all of your baby's "first(s)" really special.. such as their first halloween, first christmas, first valentine, first birthday. and it's not only about that, but our holidays/birthdays are so special, also. and i'm looking forward to my "first" birthday as a mother! it doesn't have to be about all the glitz & festivities, but about spending it with the ones i love the most.

i must come to a close.. the little one awoke from his nap! ha! i'll post pics soon of this past weekend!

poo!

okay.. so i have been the worst at keeping this thing updated.. i know it's been several months. i think about writing.. and then forget. i need to make more time for this. i know it would help get my thoughts out of my head. i need an escape.. because sometimes i think my mind will be the death of me.

but anyways! i love my life. i have been so blessed these past few years.. especially the last several months. i feel like my life is more complete. i have an amazing husband & child. my baby boy, ethan fox, is 6.5 months old! the time has flown by so fast. i've already started planning his first birthday party! heehee! he has 2 teeth, eats baby food, grabs my face & gives me kisses, he scoots & rolls! and his poop smells like big boys! haha! but he's such a joy! he looks so much like his daddy.. and it makes me just love them both even more!

so a little update on my life.. two weeks after fox was born, we moved to arkansas. i've enjoyed being back in the south for the most part. we live in a very small town.. one of the cons being that there is not much to do at all! i dream of moving back to a bigger city.. but for now, i wlll try to be more content with where i am & enjoy my life. we've been able to see our families just about every month! i have missed my family the past couple of years. so that is a pro for being in arkansas. i am a stay at home mommy for now. i am looking for a job.. we'll just see how it goes. i love seeing fox grow & feel so blessed to be able to do so.

since i have missed quite a few months of writing & posting pictures.. i am providing the links to my pictures on facebook... so you can see all that we have been up to the past few months... and see how much my boy has grown.

our little sweetpea

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2051028&id=80502234&l=90e297bb2f

our bam bam

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2065933&id=80502234&l=1f911ff85c

first christmas

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2068361&id=80502234&l=939a6adaf8

snow

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2072436&id=80502234&l=67e9efe8eb

love my life

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2071118&id=80502234&l=85d99e94a1

okay.. now that you're caught up with pictures (i hope it works).. i will try my hardest to keep this blog updated with posts & pictures.

oh.. here is my link to youtube videos..

http://www.youtube.com/user/JessCotten28

i will get off now.. try to get something done while fox naps! :)

see you soon!

where have i been!?!?

i've neglected my blog. i've been attending to my son for the past 7 weeks!! yes, if you've been keeping up with my blog, you would have noticed i would have had my child by now. well, i have!!

i have been meaning to get on here. i'm just now really finding the time... while ethan fox naps.

how have these past 7 weeks been? it has been great, awesome, overwhelming, frustrating, eventful. all together absolutely wonderful. i plan on updating this and letting you know how these past few weeks have been. first, i want to tell you my labor/delivery story.

so a couple of friends suggested i take organic raspberry leaf tea to help start the contracting/labor. i starting taking it the week before he was born; he was born on july 29. on monday, july 27, i took 2 cups of this tea. while at work, i walked 30 mins at a fast pace going at a .5% to 7 % incline & i did squats. tuesday, i took it easy.

wednesday, july 29, i woke up about 2 am with contractions. i prayed i would back to sleep but to no avail. i finally just got up & showered. i thought the warm water would calm my contractions. i got on the internet & googled about contractions & ate cereal. finally about 6 am, i was able to fall back asleep on the recliner. about 7 am, i woke back up still contracting. all the while, my contractions were at 5-7 mins apart. mainly 6 mins. i read my little hospital checklist & it started to call or come in when my contractions were 4-5 mins apart. so i guess it didn't pertain to me just yet.

about 2 pm, my dad & everyone were calling to see how far i had dilated. of course, i didn't know because i had been checked in 2 weeks. i decided to go ahead & fix my hair. about 3:30 pm, i called the doctor & they asked me to just come in to get checked. brandon & i loaded the car with the car seat & our bags, just in case. about 4:30 pm, they put me in a small labor/delivery room because they were just going to check me. so i thought....

the nurse, christina, checked me & said i was at a 3-4 cm dilated & couldn't feel the other side of my cervix. she said she would get the midwife to check me. within 10 mins, the midwife came to check me. she stated that the reason christina could not feel the other side was because i was fully dilated!! holy cow!! i just started to cry!! i was not ready. mentally. physically. emotionally. spiritually. i called my sis, gina, and told her to tell my dad i was having the baby that night. within five minutes the room was set up & ready to go for ethan fox's arrival. the midwife asked me if i was ready to push & i was like "no way!!"

i called my friend, rachel, and she rushed to the hospital. everyone told me i was such a trooper for being able to handle my pain/contractions without medicine. and because i had fully dilated, i could not get an epidural. that really freaked me out. i'm having my first baby without an epidural. i always prayed/said i had to have one. i begged them for it. i finally got a half dose of a mild narcotic which lasted about 30 mins.

still about 6 pm, i was contracting, but had no urge to push. my family wasn't there. it was just brandon, rachel, the midwife, nurse, and me. i just kind of took it easy. i was scared. i was terrified. i didn't know what i was doing... what i had gotten myself into. i didn't prepare myself. i didn't take lamaze classes. i didn't watch videos. i didn't know the correct way to breathe or to push. i was not prepared. therefore, i did not feel the urge to push.

just before 7 pm (shift change), the midwife broke my water. about 7:30 pm, i got another half dose of the narcotic. it didn't phase me. about 8 pm'ish... the urge to push began. i pushed & pushed & pushed. it was uncomfortable. it didn't really hurt. i was hot. my poor husband fanned me with a clipboard. finally, we had my dear friend, jodi, run to the store & buy a fan... which my husband used as a shield.. to shield his eyes. haha!! i was having such a hard time trying to get the baby to come down. his head was tilted & made it harder for him to get past the pelvic bone. after getting up & back in bed, i was able to get him lower.

now, the hard part. with no medicine, this was the hardest part for me... getting him to crown. everyone said that i had felt the worse of the pain with my contractions... which honestly were not that bad. i have a really good, high pain tolerance. but making him crown hurt. after making him crown, i pushed during my next contraction & his head & whole body came out!! thank God for that!! i don't think i had much more power!!

having a baby is hard work. my friend, rachel, said the midwife told her had i had the epidural, i would have had a c-section due to having trouble getting his head past my pelvic bone. so now, i'm thankful i didn't have an epidural. now... the contractions were okay. yes, they were uncomfortable & a few hurt. the pushing was annoying. the breathing had to be done. haha! the crowning hurt. after that, it was a breeze!!

i am so forever thankful & grateful for my dear husband, brandon. he was such a trooper. i love him. my friend, rachel, was so encouraging. i had an awesome nurse & midwife. thank God for them. they were so patient with me, encouraging, consoling.. they were all so amazing.

and so now, i had a sweet, precious baby boy. ethan fox. born at 11:03 pm on july 29, 2009. weighing in at 6 lbs, 14.4 oz. 19 3/4 inches long. head full of hair. hairy body. beautiful. amazing. wonderful.

baby Ethan Fox update

In just a few short weeks, Ethan Fox will be joining our little family!! We are so excited & anticipate his arrival!! It seems just like yesterday, we found out I was expecting!! These months have gone by so fast!! It has been a great pregnancy! God is so good!! I am now 33 weeks today! I had an ultrasound last Wednesday & got to see our precious little boy!! He is such a cutie!! :) He is definitely head down, as of now. Hopefully, he doesn't decide to flip at the last minute!! He already has hair on his head. We saw it floating in the amniotic fluid. A little gross, but definitely cool!! He has chubby cheeks & cute lips!! We couldn't tell if he has Brandon's dimples, yet. I pray he does!! What a stud he will be!! It's amazing what you can already tell through an ultrasound!!!

He has a very strong heart beat at 148 bpm. He's very active. They checked on his kidneys. His right kidney seems to be doing much better; the dilation went down. His left kidney has dilated even more. At my last ultrasound at 26 wks, I believe his left kidney was dilated at 5.2 or 5.6 mm, and now his left kidney has dilated to 6.2 mm. We spoke with the doctor & she said that they will continue to monitor his kidneys. She stated that at his "age", we would be more concerned if it went over 7 mm. Basically what this means is there is an obstruction, back flow, or reflux of his urine. Please pray for his kidneys. I go back in 4 weeks to see what has happened in the meantime. If the problem continues, after he is born we would be closely followed by his pediatrician or an urologist. We believe God is in control of this situation & strongly trust in God that all will be well!!

On a lighter note, Fox measured at 34 weeks while I was just at 32 weeks. He already weighs 4 lbs, 13 oz. The doctor said I may need an epidural because he has a big head! haha! Oh boy!! He is in the 65 percentile at this stage. I don't really understand what that means, but just thought I would throw that out. He's above average for his weight, I believe. I don't know. They said he can come as early as July 21. My due date still remains at August 4. We'll see if anything changes at my next ultrasound. Please continue to pray for us, especially for Fox. We trust God will heal his kidneys & we'll have a super healthy baby boy!!

P.S. I'm attaching the latest sonograms. Excuse the umbilical cord that's obstructing his sweet little face!! In one photo, his nose is being smooshed by the placenta!! Poor baby, doesn't have a lot of room left!! :)

What to do.. what to do?!?!

I've been having problems lately. Nothing too serious. I've been trying to find a hobby. I've been trying to get motivated. Life has seemed too mundane. It's been a little boring. Do I have things I could be doing? Of course, but it's no fun. I'm in my last trimester & haven't really started nesting. I think I should be. It would help my house look a lot better. haha! I just have no motivation. I know I have tons to do, but I don't want to do those things. Do you ever feel that way? I hate it. I get stressed thinking about all the things I need to do at home & to prepare for the arrival of our little one. I work 40 hour weeks. By the time I get home, I just want to eat & lay on the couch. So I guess Brandon got a little tired of it. haha! I'm tired of it, too. I want energy. I want motivation.

So this week, we've been on the quest of finding me a new hobby. While at work, my sweet husband printed off a list of over 200 hobbies. We both went over it & picked a few out. I already have hobbies that I enjoy, such as shopping. Brandon quickly nixed that. We're working hard at saving money to get out of debt & for Fox. Well, I can only do shopping with my allowance. And have to stay in budget or bye bye bye to the allowance. So I can still keep that hobby, just not make it an every day or every other day thing. haha! Sleeping was on the list, and I circled that one. haha! I'm tired. I'm sleepy. Everyone says I should get my sleep before Fox arrives. But it is getting a little old. Reading. I love to read. I have a book sitting on my nightstand and one in my desk at work. I've started the books, but I feel like my attention span has been almost eliminated. Is that normal when you're pregnant?

So after thinking on the hobbies I had chosen, we decided I would try out calligraphy first. I think I have pretty, decent penmanship. And I love that type of writing. Brandon & I went out & bought a calligraphy kit. Have I started on it? No, I've been reading on it & researching. I want to practice first by learning the alphabets & the strokes or whatever you call them. I had to find a certain pencil to use. I don't want to start out with the ink. I promised Brandon I would make 10 attempts at calligraphy before giving up. Sometimes some hobbies or things are just not for you. I'm the type of person that once I find something I truly enjoy & love, it's with me for life. And I know that is true with a lot of people. It's just finding those things. I honestly really do hope it works out. haha! I know that once Fox comes, he will be my "hobby". And I can't wait!!

I am pretty excited about this. My goal for learning calligraphy is to write a beautiful love letter to my husband. It would be neat. I've also thought of doing that as a side job? I know that sometimes calligraphers are hired for writing out wedding invitations & whatnot. So we'll see where this goes.

Do I have a back up plan? I think I will just go down my list until something clicks.

Wish me luck!! :)