dreams really do come true

at least some of mine do.

i am not talking about dreams as in hopes, dreams, & aspirations... well, i guess that, too.

i've always dreamt i'd marry an amazing guy. check. mark that off my list. i've always dreamt of having a baby. check. another one down! and i have a few more of those on my lists. slowly but surely i will mark them off my list!!

but i'm talking about actual dreams. it could be a gift.. or a curse. i don't really know what to call them. i just take them however they come. it's not like i really have much choice in them, i guess.

i have been having some really weird dreams lately. dreams that have really come true in a sense. and they are the ones that really stick with me & i remember to tell the next day. i'm not trying to sound cooky, but it's the truth.

i had been meaning to write about this before (one of the many things i have wanted to write about). but last night, i had a dream about my youngest brother. and it wasn't a good dream. but i woke up & just prayed for him. he's currently stationed in north carolina & is in the marines. i prayed for God's hand of protection over his life. and right now, he's in training & doesn't have communication access for a month. oh joy!

my mom passed away almost four years ago, and she, too, had this "gift" of dreams coming true. i remember specific dreams she had about this lady at church & when she confronted this lady about them, she confirmed things that occured in my mom's dreams. when my mom would dream about certain people, she would wake up & pray for them & their families. she would tell me that if i ever had dreams about people to wake up & pray for them. and that's what i do.

for instance, when i was pregnant, i wanted to have a girl & was really hoping for one. the night before the ultrasound, i had a dream that i went to the hospital & they gave me a sonogram (photo) & said "it's a boy!" and i kept telling them it wasn't my baby.. that i couldn't see it (the male part) & just kept saying that over & over. well, i woke up the next morning & just knew that it was a boy & told brandon about my dream. so at the hospital while in the ultrasound room, the tech was checking all of the baby's vital organs & she just started to move the device around my tummy (i guess to spread the gel out) & she passed by the baby's legs quickly & in a split second i saw his "third leg". ha! i looked over at brandon & said "it's a boy. i saw 'it'". my ultrasound confirmed my dream. and what's funny is that in my dream i kept saying that i couldn't see "it", but during the actual ultrasound, i saw "it".

another one, a few weeks before i delivered fox, i had a dream that really disturbed me. i had a dream that something terrible happened to my baby boy. i had a dream that my baby died of an aneurysm. i honestly don't know what that is.. but i didn't see my baby die, i just knew that he did & that word stuck out. i woke up terrified. and of course, i prayed & prayed against it. it just scared me. i know that sometimes during pregnancy, women have scary dreams. and i don't know if i necessarily blame this on my hormones. a couple of weeks after my dream, i had an ultrasound & they found some dilation on fox's lateral ventricles... something about the cerebral spinal fluid was not being completely released. yada, yada, yada! not what i wanted to hear. we just lifted my baby up in prayer & just waited until he was born to confirm that he was okay. and praise God, we got a good report! i feel that dream i had prepared me to not go crazy over worry & to just put all of my trust in God.

another instance, i had four dreams about one of my brothers... just within a few days. and every time, i would wake up & pray. because i am several hours away, i don't really know what's going on in my brother's lives. we talk every other week or so. or keep up through facebook. so out of those four dreams, i only really remembered 3 of the dreams. one dream that he was in was really a dream about me, my mom & fox. i told brandon about all my dreams.. and a few days later, i talked to my sister in law & asked her about my brother. and she started giving me the "juice".. of all this stuff that was going on in his life. and would you not believe that she hit every main point of the main points in every one of my dreams. CRAZY!! and after everything was said, i recanted to her all of my dreams.

i think it's a little freaky.. and scary.. and a little exciting. i know i had been dealing with some personal issues for months. mainly fears. and i would pray to God to please take away some things in my life because they were keeping me from really enjoying my life or to show me something.. as to why i was going through those things. i was looking for understanding, knowledge, etc. and i had been suffering i guess from a little anxiety from these stupid fears. and one night i had this dream that really shook me to my core. wow. i still get chills thinking about this dream. but after much thought & replaying the dream over & over again in my head.. i finally understood why i was having these fears & i truly believe God showed me the cause of my fears. i sought some counsel from my pastor's wife from my hometown.. i feel she understands me & i guess knew where these fears come from. and over the past few months, i have been working on those issues. but i have finally gotten over the anxiety. praise God!

and i have had many, many more dreams.. even others that have come true. and i don't know what this all means.. but i thank God for them. and i will just continue to lift these people up in prayer. that is all i can really do. i'm thinking of keeping a journal of all my dreams. i especially want to do it because it's not very often that i dream of my Mom. and i love to dream about her. sometimes the dreams are really sad. such as, her being sick with cancer or me trying to get her to go somewhere with me, but she won't & i guess she can't go anywhere with me because she's gone. or just things like that. dreams about her are bittersweet. but i'm thankful for just a little glimpse of her, you know?

i think i will go buy me a little journal... so then i won't seem like a freak. ha!

i wish my dream of me winning the lottery would actually come to pass! ha! guess i should start playing the lottery!! j/k

i am such a slacker.

i always am thinking of things i want to write about.. and i have quite a few things i want to talk about. my only issue is... just doing it. ha!

my life has changed a little (or a lot) in the last month. i got a job. my child is going to a daycare at a church. it has been a blessing & a curse, i guess. i am blessed with working for a great company, great pay, great benefits, great people. i'm blessed. no doubt about it. the curse.. my child got sick for the first time. it's such a bummer seeing him sick & helpless. it started with a runny nose to a mild ear infection and now a cough.

it's been somewhat hard transitioning from being a housewife to going back to work... but women do this all the time. surely, if i can give birth without an epidural, i can conquer & overcome this! honestly, my biggest issue is time management. i want to spend as much time as possible with my son. when i come home, i don't want to cook or clean, i want to take a nap with fox or play with him. i want to love on him extra. and let him know i didn't desert him! some things i am doing to assure i spend more time with him during the week (when i'm away from him the most).. is to bag his lunches in little baggies for the following week (do this on the weekends), pump his milk for the following day (i'm still nursing & want to keep it up so i pump at work), set out our clothes the night before, & get our bags ready for the next day. by doing some of this, it actually eliminates some time not spent with him.

i'm bummed i'm not getting as much sleep as i used to. and now, i live for saturdays.. when i can sleep in. ha! i've been feeling bad that i have kept him up as long as i can at night just because i want to spend more time with him, but honestly, we all need more sleep. so we will start going to bed a little earlier from now on. i just hate thinking that i used to be with him 24/7 and now it's only like 5 hours/day awake with him. so i really don't mind it so much getting up with him in the middle of the night still because it's more time spent with him.. but it makes for long days at work.

me going to work and he going to daycare has thrown him off a little, as well. and being sick has not helped him. God bless my little boy! we've been having problems with him not eating or drinking while we're away from each other. i've googled ways to better help us in this transition, but can we really undo what has been done for the past 8 months?! he's gotten so used to me or brandon feeding him. he took a bottle for the first 5 weeks while i was supplementing with formula.. and since then, i have soley been breastfeeding him. so he doesn't understand the bottle and sometimes will refuse it. of course, i've introduced the sippy cup, but it's more of a toy for him. some days he gets it & drinks.. some days he doesn't. also, he doesn't eat his baby food or naps as much. my poor little bam! we used to be on somewhat of a schedule when we were home together. and now, he's having to adjust to a new schedule & it's been a little hard on him. it's been a little discouraging for me. i've gone to his school a couple of times to help feed him his lunch. my thought process in this is that he will see that it's okay to eat there. i'm not going today in hopes that he will eat on his own. so we'll see. :-/

i know this has all been a little major for both of us. i miss being with my boy every day, all day. and i know it will get better for the both of us. we pray every night that the next day we will progress in this... every day will be better than the day before. and we thank God that he's blessed us abundantly.

if you read this, please be in prayer with us that we'll manage our time wisely. and this transition will get easier for the both of us!

i looove my boy so very much. he's the sweetest, happiest little cuddler! i'm a proud momma. God is good!

my birthday weekend

i had a really great birthday. i didn't do much of anything.. but spend it with the ones i love. my daddy drove up on saturday to see me.. i mean, to see fox. heehee! fox really enjoyed having his lito here. i was really surprised that he didn't freak out. as of late, we've been experiencing a lot of separation anxiety & fox freaks out when i even walk out of the room. but he was really laid back with my dad. unfortunately, brandon didn't get to go eat with us saturday night due to church & i missed out because of my dad's visit. on my birthday (sunday), i cooked breakfast for everyone.. and we just lounged around the house. we went to eat lunch at one of my favorite restaurants, catfish hole. and lito had to make the 6 hour drive back home. boo! :( so brandon, fox & i drove to tulsa (1.5 hr away) to look/shop around the mall & eat at the cheesecake factory for my birthday. oh! the cheesecake was sooo good. i'm craving one right now as i think about it. it was really was a great day. i'm so glad my daddy got to come up...even if it was so short & it meant a lot to me. in the next few posts, i will write about what i got and bought with my birthday money. i'm pretty stoked!

but here are a few pictures from brandon's bday

valentine's day

my birthday/ lito's visit

a tribute to my mom

i'm in a very nostalgic mood this week. my birthday is coming up on sunday. and i just feel blah. i loove birthdays. i love my birthday. but all i can really think about is how much i miss my mom.

in may, it will be 4 years since she passed away. four long years. i can't believe it's been that long. sometimes i feel like i'm forgetting her.. like memories of her are fading. and lately, i've been having so

many dreams about her. i've spent the last 2 days reading over my xanga (old blog). and kind of reliving the year(s) she was sick & just going back over what was going on in my life. at times, it doesn't feel as though she's gone. and i just want to call her on the phone, but can't. and talking to my sis, gina, on sunday just made me miss her even more.

as i look at my son & how he's growing.. it makes me sad to think that she is missing out.. that we are missing out. she was just too young. just how my son needs me or i am the only one to make things right for him.. that's what my mom was to me. she was that person.. always. she was my best friend, my everything. and at times, i need my mother. i need her to encourage me. i miss her tremendously. i feel like my life moved kind of quickly after she passed away (i wouldn't change a thing, though).. and i never really had the time to fully grieve her. i go through times when i am okay & times when she's all i think about. and i just get so down. sometimes my heart just hurts & longs for her. and feel like i can't go on.

i look at moms with their daughters & it makes me jealous to think that i will never ever have that relationship again. and sometimes that's all i really want. i know nothing i do, say or pray will ever bring her back. through the last few years of her life, we grew close, especially during her illness. and then she was gone. her death was pretty traumatizing.. considering i was the only one there with her during her "final" moments. i have so many questions.. with no answers. i feel like if i had these answers, i would be more at peace with things. i know God had/has a plan.. but sometimes it's hard to see it... to understand it. and i know i may never get my answers in this lifetime. life was never meant to be easy.

and through the years, i have been blessed with some amazing women in my life. but they will never be my Mommy. i know these women love me as their own and i am so grateful for them. it just will never be the same.

the only thing i can really do is hope & pray i see her again & aspire to be just like her. to live & love like her. to be the Godly woman, mother, friend & wife she was.

so i leave with this list..

things i miss about my Mommy:

- her hugs & kisses

- me kissing & hugging her

- her laughter

- her friendship

- the way she said my name "yessica" or called me by my middle name

- watching her and Daddy dance

- her food!!

- shopping like every week & hiding our purchases from dad

- hearing her hum or sing

- her yelling at the boys. ha!

- her ghetto dancing in the car

- our conversations

- being her princess

- her advice

- holding her fragile, soft hands (i didn't want to let go when time to close casket)

- her love for the family

- her being strong will & stubborn when she wanted something (i get it from her)

- the way she smelled (cotton blossom or chanel)

- her getting mad at me for using her perfume & then buying me my own

- me holding her

- laying in my bed talking about life

- seeing the way she loved & trusted God

- everything

she was so beautiful.. inside & out.

festive weekend!

my little family had a pretty festive weekend. it was my honey's 25th birthday. i think he is so funny. all week or month leading up to his birthday, he is so happy about it coming up.. but when the day gets here, he's depressed. his mom said he's always been like that & his sister is the same way. so because i knew he was a little "down", i wanted to brighten his spirits when he woke. friday night (birthday eve), after i put fox down for the night & brandon had already gone to bed, i decorated our dining area with streamers, balloon & a happy birthday banner. all in the dark! i was afraid brandon would wake up from his little snoring fest & see lights on & get curious.

when we woke up saturday, i made him a delicious birthday breakfast of biscuits with sausage gravy and cheesy scrambled eggs. and when he came to the kitchen/dining area, his face lit up like a little boy. it was definitely cute. we all had breakfast together as a family. we spent most of the day just relaxing. that's what saturdays are for, anyways. i asked brandon what kind of cake he wanted because i was either going to buy one or make one.. and what did he want?!? a zebra cake cake! yes, that's what we decided to call it. he wanted a cake made out of zebra cakes. oh geez! i was kinda against it, but because it was his birthday, i couldn't refuse. so what i basically did was just put a bunch of zebra cakes together, iced the top, layer it with more zebra cakes & ice the top & sides. it was quite interesting. and we definitely had a sugar rush! haha! it was pretty funny. that night, we tried to go eat for his birthday, but it seemed as though everyone in this small town wanted to celebrate valentine's day that night & all the restaurants were so packed... except el chico. so that was his birthday dinner.

valentine's day was pretty special for me this year. it was my first valentine's day as a mother. i woke up to my birthday streamers & balloons being replaced with red streamers & valentine's day balloons. brandon must have done it was i was asleep. we all exchanged our little valentine's gifts & read our cards. the day was filled with church & lunch with friends. for the first time since we been here, lunch with friends on sunday felt like the old days in albuquerque. i miss that. we've just been so busy with our own lives & this & that lately.. my favorite things about sundays are the naps! i will not ever go without a sunday nap if i can help it! heehee! and because we don't have a babysitter, daddy (brandon) took fox & i out for valentine's day dinner. we went to an italian restaurant.. and the food was so good! i'm always scared about going out to eat with fox. i never know how he is going to behave. haha! one day he will be a perfect little angel & the next, he's just a little horror, crying & screaming. and i was a little hesitant going into this restaurant because as we walked in, you see all these couples having their romantic, candle-lit dinner, their heads close to each other, eyes locked on one another. and all i could do was pray my child behaved. luckily, we were placed in the far corner.. and he was not the only baby there. that always makes me feel better, when someone else's child mis-behaves more than mine. heehee! i think most mothers are like that!

so needless to say, we all had a pretty good weekend! and we're sick this week! ha! my little pumpkin & i have been under the weather the past few days.. i believe we both have a little head cold. i've come to realize.. that since i've been here in arkansas, i have been more sick than i have my entire life. which is definitely not cool, but i'm sure i'll get over it. my birthday is coming up in 11 days! and unlike my husband, i love my birthday! i just love birthdays. there are a few moments during my birthday that i do get a little depressed. i always think of my Mom & how i wish she were here to celebrate. i think as a parent you try to make all of your baby's "first(s)" really special.. such as their first halloween, first christmas, first valentine, first birthday. and it's not only about that, but our holidays/birthdays are so special, also. and i'm looking forward to my "first" birthday as a mother! it doesn't have to be about all the glitz & festivities, but about spending it with the ones i love the most.

i must come to a close.. the little one awoke from his nap! ha! i'll post pics soon of this past weekend!

poo!

okay.. so i have been the worst at keeping this thing updated.. i know it's been several months. i think about writing.. and then forget. i need to make more time for this. i know it would help get my thoughts out of my head. i need an escape.. because sometimes i think my mind will be the death of me.

but anyways! i love my life. i have been so blessed these past few years.. especially the last several months. i feel like my life is more complete. i have an amazing husband & child. my baby boy, ethan fox, is 6.5 months old! the time has flown by so fast. i've already started planning his first birthday party! heehee! he has 2 teeth, eats baby food, grabs my face & gives me kisses, he scoots & rolls! and his poop smells like big boys! haha! but he's such a joy! he looks so much like his daddy.. and it makes me just love them both even more!

so a little update on my life.. two weeks after fox was born, we moved to arkansas. i've enjoyed being back in the south for the most part. we live in a very small town.. one of the cons being that there is not much to do at all! i dream of moving back to a bigger city.. but for now, i wlll try to be more content with where i am & enjoy my life. we've been able to see our families just about every month! i have missed my family the past couple of years. so that is a pro for being in arkansas. i am a stay at home mommy for now. i am looking for a job.. we'll just see how it goes. i love seeing fox grow & feel so blessed to be able to do so.

since i have missed quite a few months of writing & posting pictures.. i am providing the links to my pictures on facebook... so you can see all that we have been up to the past few months... and see how much my boy has grown.

our little sweetpea

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2051028&id=80502234&l=90e297bb2f

our bam bam

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2065933&id=80502234&l=1f911ff85c

first christmas

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2068361&id=80502234&l=939a6adaf8

snow

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2072436&id=80502234&l=67e9efe8eb

love my life

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2071118&id=80502234&l=85d99e94a1

okay.. now that you're caught up with pictures (i hope it works).. i will try my hardest to keep this blog updated with posts & pictures.

oh.. here is my link to youtube videos..

http://www.youtube.com/user/JessCotten28

i will get off now.. try to get something done while fox naps! :)

see you soon!

where have i been!?!?

i've neglected my blog. i've been attending to my son for the past 7 weeks!! yes, if you've been keeping up with my blog, you would have noticed i would have had my child by now. well, i have!!

i have been meaning to get on here. i'm just now really finding the time... while ethan fox naps.

how have these past 7 weeks been? it has been great, awesome, overwhelming, frustrating, eventful. all together absolutely wonderful. i plan on updating this and letting you know how these past few weeks have been. first, i want to tell you my labor/delivery story.

so a couple of friends suggested i take organic raspberry leaf tea to help start the contracting/labor. i starting taking it the week before he was born; he was born on july 29. on monday, july 27, i took 2 cups of this tea. while at work, i walked 30 mins at a fast pace going at a .5% to 7 % incline & i did squats. tuesday, i took it easy.

wednesday, july 29, i woke up about 2 am with contractions. i prayed i would back to sleep but to no avail. i finally just got up & showered. i thought the warm water would calm my contractions. i got on the internet & googled about contractions & ate cereal. finally about 6 am, i was able to fall back asleep on the recliner. about 7 am, i woke back up still contracting. all the while, my contractions were at 5-7 mins apart. mainly 6 mins. i read my little hospital checklist & it started to call or come in when my contractions were 4-5 mins apart. so i guess it didn't pertain to me just yet.

about 2 pm, my dad & everyone were calling to see how far i had dilated. of course, i didn't know because i had been checked in 2 weeks. i decided to go ahead & fix my hair. about 3:30 pm, i called the doctor & they asked me to just come in to get checked. brandon & i loaded the car with the car seat & our bags, just in case. about 4:30 pm, they put me in a small labor/delivery room because they were just going to check me. so i thought....

the nurse, christina, checked me & said i was at a 3-4 cm dilated & couldn't feel the other side of my cervix. she said she would get the midwife to check me. within 10 mins, the midwife came to check me. she stated that the reason christina could not feel the other side was because i was fully dilated!! holy cow!! i just started to cry!! i was not ready. mentally. physically. emotionally. spiritually. i called my sis, gina, and told her to tell my dad i was having the baby that night. within five minutes the room was set up & ready to go for ethan fox's arrival. the midwife asked me if i was ready to push & i was like "no way!!"

i called my friend, rachel, and she rushed to the hospital. everyone told me i was such a trooper for being able to handle my pain/contractions without medicine. and because i had fully dilated, i could not get an epidural. that really freaked me out. i'm having my first baby without an epidural. i always prayed/said i had to have one. i begged them for it. i finally got a half dose of a mild narcotic which lasted about 30 mins.

still about 6 pm, i was contracting, but had no urge to push. my family wasn't there. it was just brandon, rachel, the midwife, nurse, and me. i just kind of took it easy. i was scared. i was terrified. i didn't know what i was doing... what i had gotten myself into. i didn't prepare myself. i didn't take lamaze classes. i didn't watch videos. i didn't know the correct way to breathe or to push. i was not prepared. therefore, i did not feel the urge to push.

just before 7 pm (shift change), the midwife broke my water. about 7:30 pm, i got another half dose of the narcotic. it didn't phase me. about 8 pm'ish... the urge to push began. i pushed & pushed & pushed. it was uncomfortable. it didn't really hurt. i was hot. my poor husband fanned me with a clipboard. finally, we had my dear friend, jodi, run to the store & buy a fan... which my husband used as a shield.. to shield his eyes. haha!! i was having such a hard time trying to get the baby to come down. his head was tilted & made it harder for him to get past the pelvic bone. after getting up & back in bed, i was able to get him lower.

now, the hard part. with no medicine, this was the hardest part for me... getting him to crown. everyone said that i had felt the worse of the pain with my contractions... which honestly were not that bad. i have a really good, high pain tolerance. but making him crown hurt. after making him crown, i pushed during my next contraction & his head & whole body came out!! thank God for that!! i don't think i had much more power!!

having a baby is hard work. my friend, rachel, said the midwife told her had i had the epidural, i would have had a c-section due to having trouble getting his head past my pelvic bone. so now, i'm thankful i didn't have an epidural. now... the contractions were okay. yes, they were uncomfortable & a few hurt. the pushing was annoying. the breathing had to be done. haha! the crowning hurt. after that, it was a breeze!!

i am so forever thankful & grateful for my dear husband, brandon. he was such a trooper. i love him. my friend, rachel, was so encouraging. i had an awesome nurse & midwife. thank God for them. they were so patient with me, encouraging, consoling.. they were all so amazing.

and so now, i had a sweet, precious baby boy. ethan fox. born at 11:03 pm on july 29, 2009. weighing in at 6 lbs, 14.4 oz. 19 3/4 inches long. head full of hair. hairy body. beautiful. amazing. wonderful.