duty calls..

well, i've had a pretty good week. nothing spectacular.

i had a special mother's day.. well, as special as it could have been. i woke up sunday morning to my hubby & son coming into the bedroom. fox handed me his card he got for me. it was really cute & daddy/fox wrote.. "thanks mom for luv + milk". heehee! my hubby is crazy. but it made my day. and my hubby got me a sweet card & gift certificate to get an hour massage & an hour facial. i am definitely looking forward to using it.

well, brandon left for church & i nursed fox. even at 9 months & with fox having 6 teeth.. i still love nursing. and i go back & forth on whether i want to wean him at 12 months. it's just one of the most intimate moments i have with my son. and i really do love it. but i know i can have very special & intimate moments with my baby whether i nurse him or not. i guess we will see what happens.

anyways, let me get back on track. i was getting ready & placed fox in his exersaucer to let him enjoy his morning cartoons.. and this is where he normally does his morning poo poo... so if it comes out the back or anything, he doesn't stain or mess up his church clothes. he was quite fussy & so i thought "okay, maybe he wants to just play on the floor". as most mothers know that once their child becomes more mobile, they do not want to stay in the exersaucer or jumperoo; they want to get their hands on anything & everything & explore their home they've been looking at for months. i think babies spend their im-mobile (is that a word? can't remember) days looking around & scheming & planning what they are going to do & get their hands on once they can. so i placed him on the floor & went back to the spare bathroom in the hallway. and he was fine for about 5 minutes & started fussing a little. i went to check on him because now that he's pulling up on everything, he sometimes doesn't know how to get back down. so when i checked on him, he was just laying on the floor. i picked him up & set him in his crib so i could find his thermometer. when i came back in, he was laying down again. i placed him on his changing table & checked his temperature. 99.7.

hmmm.. i texted brandon & told him i didn't think i needed to go to church. one with fox's low grade fever & two with him being fussy & clingy. i like to think i am one of those mothers that will not take my child out anywhere to infect another child or person. and i get so irritated & frustrated when i take my child somewhere & someone brings their sick child in public. don't get me wrong. fox has had allergies & a snotty nose & mild cough due to the congestion. but i have taken him to the doctor every time to just be sure that he is not contagious. and i am constantly wiping that nose. and this constant yo-yo in the weather does not help him at all. but it frustrates me to no end when i think mothers are careless & inconsiderate. i better move off subject because i am getting worked up. heehee!

so i gave fox some tylenol.. placed him in bed with me & we slept for another 3 hours. his temperature kept rising to 102.4. i have to say i was a little sad to not be able to go to church. it was going to be my first real mother's day. and i had this cute dress (with the tag still on it) lined out that my sister in law gave me when i went in to visit a couple of weekends ago. i just love her. she always hands things off to me. but i love her for many more reasons. and fox had a cute little outfit that would match me. and we were going to take pictures. i think i was bummed that i wouldn't have any cute pictures of my first mother's day. but you know what? we should celebrate mothers everyday! right? but i realized it's not even about that.. AT ALL. it's about being a mother. and duty called on that day. and i took care of my baby.

my hubby & i have been working on eating better & healthier. sundays are usually our cheat day & our day to eat lunch with friends.. so he picked up some yummy food for lunch & we had ourselves a little feast. my husband it just so great! and he really did make my day special. i love him so much.

of course, i didn't go to work the next day & got him in to see the doctor. he had a cold. no ear infection, thank God. and the doctor just suggested we let his fever run the course. and i stayed home with him for 3 days. it finally broke on tuesday night, but i have to wait 24 hours before i can put him back in school.

while he was sick, we worked on teaching him how to sleep through the night. so i've basically night weaned him. at his last check up, the doctor said we could wean him from the night feeding & i think a lot of it has to do with me not being ready. but i get up at 5:30 am to get ready for work, get fox ready, load our car, leave the house by 7:15 am, drive 30 mins, drop fox off at school & "try" to be at work by 8 am. and it makes for one tired momma. i am not complaining of getting up at night with fox, because i take full advantage of loving on him. but i believe he's older & can handle it. and he needs more sleep. and so do i. heehee!

so he's been sleeping through the night for the past week, with the exception of one night. i only go back in his room if he is just in hysterics. but even then, i let him cry a little. but he's only done that once. and he will fuss for about 2-5 mins & fall asleep. last night, he slept for 9.5 hours! yay! it makes for one happy momma! ;-)

i spent my first off day taking care of my baby & cuddling him & babying him & loving on him & letting him rest. i spent the second day doing the same, but cleaning out closets & dressers. brandon & i don't plan on renewing our lease at the end of july & move to the town we both work in. it's only logical. so i am going to have a garage sale in june. there are so many things i've been holding onto.. i don't consider myself a hoarder. maybe a pack rat? but i've been holding on to things that remind me of my mom. but things that have just been sitting in the garage. i actually just spoke to my brother about it. we have this couch that i brought with me when i got married & it's been in 4 moves in 3 years. it was my mom's couch that she made a slipcover for. and it's been in the garage or storage. my dad was generous when he came to visit one year & bought us leather/suede loveseat & sofa & coffee table. so i really have no need for my mom's loveseat. so my brother said to get rid of it... that i do not need physical objects to help me remember my mom. so i think i will.

i made a lot of progress with cleaning out the bedrooms. and i plan on tackling the garage in the next few weeks. so say a prayer. and i think i'm going to use my spa day after we move because i'm sure i will be sore & need it then. wednesday, i just took it easy.. heehee! and thursday & friday was back to work & school for us. i am so thankful my baby is feeling better. i just hate when he is feeling a little bad. but i really enjoyed loving on him because it seems all he is interested in now is being on the floor & into everything.

well.. it seems like duty calls again & i must go feed my son dinner. and grab something for myself. ;-)

void.

if you came into my house, you'd think i've been pretty lazy on my saturday, but i haven't. i have been pretty busy today.. i honestly folded laundry for two hours straight, cleaned out fox's closet & updated his size, boxed up 4 boxes of clothes, toys & blankets to join the multitude of boxes in the garage, hung up his updated clothes, and i still have all the stacks of mine & brandon's laundry folded neatly on our bed, ready & waiting to be put away. ugh! it's turned out to be an all day affair.

after folding & dealing with closets & laundry.. i finally had a chance to sit down & relax. and then i was overcome with such emotion. i finally sat down and acknowledged that today marked the fourth anniversary of my mother's passing. it's ever present on my mind.. and i think of her constantly.. but it finally hit me when i sat down. i always dread this part of the year.. honestly, i dread any time i remember that she's gone. but it just proves that another year of many years has passed where i will be without my mother. and it's just too long.

last weekend, i went to visit my family in louisiana, my hometown. and i would normally go to church that sunday to visit my friends & home church & show off my now 9 month old son. but that saturday my dad asked me if i wanted to as a family go to my mother's grave & take flowers out there on sunday morning. honestly, i hadn't paid my respects in a couple of years. and i am ashamed that i neglected her... neglected someone i loved/love so much. i was either pregnant, crunched for time, didn't have enough gas, had an infant with me, or it was raining. too many excuses. so sunday morning, the family took flowers to her grave. and i re-read her tombstone. i read the verses from proverbs 31 that were written on the back. i played back memories of the dreadful/traumatic day. i played back good memories we had as a family. and i thought of how i wish my son would have had the chance to meet his Mimi.

it really stinks when someone you love & admire & adore is taken from you. but i rejoice in knowing that she is indeed alive & well & cancer-free & sitting at the feet of Jesus. she was my world. i loved her tremendously & still do. and my heart is broken & torn without her. and sometimes i feel lost. i want to be healed of it. but my dad said it best last weekend... "life is not fair. when she died, we were all left with a big void. and we just have to keep going until we're reunited." i know my Dad was the one who lost the most. but i feel like i did, too.

and so today, i remember the most amazing & beautiful woman i have ever known. she lived a great life.. she was full of life & gave me life. and she is one reason i keep on living. she was fearless & faithful. she loved abundantly & unconditionally. she loved her family above all else. she exhibited true beauty. she was the best mother, wife, child, sister, friend, aunt, etc. to ever grace this earth. and i am blessed to have been her child.

happy mother's day, mommy. you are so loved & missed.

april 26. a great day all around.

yesterday was one of the greatest days of my life..especially while being a mommy.

yesterday was my first nephew's 5th birthday. he was my "first" little love. and he's so dear to my heart. don't get me wrong, i love my other nephews. but preston will always hold a special place. i may have already shared this before. but shortly after my mom passed away, i put so much time, effort, & love into preston. i felt like he was what i had left. and i didn't know that i could love a little person so much. and i did/do love him. he was my "baby". i remember the first year that i was married & we came to visit for thanksgiving. i was so distraught when we left my family to head back to new mexico, mainly preston. that night, i was bawling & brandon was like "jess, chill." and i said "but i miss him so much. i hate leaving him & missing him grow." and he was like "he is not your baby.".. yes, he is. ;-) i am so excited about going to louisiana this weekend to celebrate his birthday. i'm a proud aunt.

i never knew i could love a little person as much as i love preston. i didn't know it was possible. and i didn't know i could love a second, third & fourth little person. i was actually kind of afraid of when my second nephew, maddox, was born. i told my sis, gina, that i didn't know how to make that work. but our hearts just expands & is filled with more love... more love to go around. i didn't know how it would work out when i had my own child. and it's definitely a different kind of love. but love unconditional, nonetheless. and love for all.





i LOVE my son. and i love him more & more each day. yesterday, on april 26, 2010, he said "momma" loud & clear for "momma" & daddy to hear. he said "dada" on march 26. and has said "daddy, dada" ever since. last week while he was playing his in his exersaucer, i heard him say "mama".. but brandon & i have this little thing that it doesn't count unless we both witness it. kind of like i could sit here & say he did this & that.. and not really do it. or maybe because i have been telling him for weeks to say "mama" then i hear what i want to hear or my ears play tricks on me, you know? so last night, while i was feeding fox his dinner. he started squealing, but he was mad. he tightens his fists.. i'm telling you, he knows what he's doing. and i was correcting him that it was not nice to do that and he needed to eat. as you already know, he doesn't eat a lot at school so at home i try to stuff him as much as i can. heehee! and so i would try to be stern (but loving) and correct him. but he just kept tightening his fists & squealing. so i had daddy intervene. and daddy was telling him "no". but he kept doing it. so daddy came up to his highchair & i was telling fox to please eat. and he said "mmm ma ma mom momma momma". and OH MY GOODNESS! when he started with the "mmm" sound, brandon & i just stopped in our tracks & listened intently.. hoping he would say what i have been waiting for almost 9 months for him to say. and he said "momma" and when he did, we both started clapping (fox was confused) & daddy started jumping for joy & momma started crying & just melted. heehee! i hope he doesn't think we were clapping & cheering him on for the squealing out of anger thing. i guess we'll find out soon enough. ha!

it's funny that as a young girl, you dream and wonder what your husband will be like. then when you're married, you wonder what your child will look like or be. and now that we have our child, brandon & i have wondered what his sweet little voice will sound like. and oh, it's the sweetest little voice, i have ever heard. i'm so excited about his next new words. he's growing way too fast. he is standing up on everything. he really likes to stand up in front of the tv stand & watch the tv. and he's walking with the help of his walker. he is almost a big boy. and i am so sad. :( but so excited, too.




yesterday, april 26, 2010, would have been my parents' 31st wedding anniversary. here's a little trivia for you. preston was born on my parents' 26th wedding anniversary, on the 26th day, and my sister would have been 26 yrs old that december. so yea. it's kind of sad to say that it "would have been".. wish it "could have been". my parents had a troubled marriage at first, but in the end it was the best marriage i have ever known. i have such sweet memories of them. my favorite memories: we would not go a week without seeing my mommy & daddy dance. they knew how to "git jiggy wit it". ha! even after my mom had the exploratory surgery, she was dancing with her hand over her "wound". and dad would always have his hand on her butt. we would all say "get a room!" heehee! and i loved going out to dinner with my parents. i was always the third wheel. honestly, i much preferred to spend my friday nights with my parents than my friends. and i loved waking up & going to their room & climbing into bed with them & laying in between them. i did this all my life, even in my teenage years. dad said i was always in the middle of them two.

my favorite memory of their marriage: for their 25th wedding anniversary, dad wanted to do something really special & surprise mom. so without mom's knowledge, we planned a surprise renewal of their vows at church. axel made a slideshow of pictures from when mom was a baby, dad was a baby, when they were together, then of every child & then the family. dad rented all the boys tuxedos. and he was flying lester in from washington state; lester was in the navy. so he told mom that sunday after church, they both had to drive to shreveport, la for a business lunch along with mr. casey & mrs. denise (their bff's) so she needed to find a really pretty dress. you didn't have to tell us twice to go shopping! haha! mom & i would go shopping like 2-3 times a week.. oh how i miss those days! so we found her a really pretty dress & i got myself an outfit. so sunday morning rolled around & dad told mom he was taking axel & aaron and they were going to go play soccer (which wasn't unusual) & he would pick her up after church & they would head to shreveport. at church, bro. harry spoke on marriage & the whole time mom was like "your dad needs to be listening to this". heehee! at the end of the sermon, bro. harry said he had a "presentation" & the lights dimmed. the first picture on the slideshow was a baby picture of my mom & when she saw it, she caught her breath & was like "where is your daddy?" and began to cry. at the end of the slideshow, the lights came on & my dad was standing next to the pastor in a silver tux. bro. harry then asked who gave my mom away. my oldest brother walked from a door behind the stage & said "i do".. both of my younger brothers walked down the aisles to the front & said "we do".. and then lester walked from the side entrance & said "i do". oh goodness! my mom just lost it. she just couldn't believe that lester was there. we were all in tears. one of my mom's friends came behind us & gave us both a bouquet of flowers for us to walk to the front. my sister in law had to help me get my mom going. mom was in like hysterics that she needed our help to walk. heehee! so we went up & they renewed there wedding vows while my brothers & i stood as their attendants. daddy bought mom a new ring & after their vows, we had cake & punch afterwards. it was a day to truly remember. i hope & pray & will strive to have a marriage like theirs.. or even better. and i hope we set great examples for our children.





so all in all, april 26 is a pretty great day!

faithfulness

i've been doing a lot of soul searching, i guess you would call it. a lot of thinking lately. trying to straighten some things out in my life. and with this post, i will begin with a dream i had just a couple of months ago.. the one that shook me to my core. that just frightened the daylights out of me.

since, i moved to arkansas, i had been dealing with a lot of fears. mainly fear of death. i'm not suicidal.. so don't get your panties in a wad. ha! just scared of it. scared of what if something happens to me right now.. what will happen to fox? what will happened to brandon? what will i be remembered for? just plain out fear. fear of the unknown. i know what the Bible says about to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord. but still.. i don't know what it's like. it's still hard to grasp the fact that my Mom is gone.. so how can i really grasp what it will be like for me?

and i started to get a little anxiety about it.. it just started affecting me.. like not being able to enjoy my day to day activities with my son. because i would be playing with him & a thought would pop into my head.. like total fear that what if something happened to me today.. blah blah blah. surely i'm not the only one like this?!? right? and in a way.. seeing that my mom died at 42 years old.. she still had a lot of living to do. and i WANT to enjoy many more years than she did. and i would get this fear like everyday.. so many times throughout the day.

and i would pray.. "God, take this feeling away from me".. "I want to enjoy my life & not have these stupid thoughts & fears." etc., etc. and one night i had this dream that just scared me.. and after thinking on this dream for a few days/weeks, i'm pretty sure i know what it meant.

my dream: i was with a group of about 15-20 people, standing on a sidewalk just outside of a two story brick buildling & it was nighttime. and we were looking at the sky and saw this beautiful array of stars just swirling in the sky. it kind of reminds me of the milkyway. and we were just in awe.. staring at the heavens. and these stars would get a little bigger & then disappear. and they were getting closer to us. and all at the same time just swirling.. dancing. and a few stars would go off like a shooting star. and as these stars got closer, i would see that they would open up in a big V & shoot off.. like a shooting star. and as it was getting closer, i saw that these V's were actually doves & these stars would open up into a big dove (V) & fly off. and all the while, getting closer to us. then i saw, that this star opened up into this big angel. and all the while what i thought was a dove was in reality an angel. and this angel just flew off. i was so confused at what i was seeing. and then, these three stars opened up & these angels just emerged. what did they look like? these big, muscular white men with big wings.. kind of glowing. i guess that's the picture i have of angels. and these angels just shot off in whichever way. and i started panicking... more like freaking out. i think whenever i hear of people dreaming of angels.. the end is near for them. and when i saw these angels shoot off, i just started praying/exclaiming/panicking.. "God, I'm not ready. Please no! I'm not ready God! I'm not ready!" and in my panic, i was wondering where brandon was. so i thought i would go look for him in this building... but the door was locked. and i saw this little storage building just by the entrance & the door was open & i thought maybe i would find something in there to open the door. and as i walked through the doorway, i almost bumped into the back of this lady. and she turned around & i asked her where brandon was. she kind of laughed (sneered) & said brandon wasn't there. and she just kind of threw me off. and she said "i've been praying for you". what a shock! i didn't know who this lady was.. why would she sneer that brandon wasn't there, but then tell me she was praying for me. and so i started to back out the door as she kept telling me she had been praying for me. and as i turned around, i saw the group of people that i was with in a single file line & coming up along the line were these men in military uniforms. and i jumped in the front of the line and bowed my head as these men passed by me and i woke up.

i woke up so scared..petrified. and this did not make my fear of dying any better! and like i said in my earlier post, my mom always said to pray after dreams. and so i began to pray.. and not look outside the windows as i passed by the bedrooms. ha! and i just asked God to show me what this dream meant. to help me understand.

and this is what i feel he showed me. i am not ready. i am not. over the past few years, especially after the death of my mom, i have grown so complacent with my walk with God. i walk the walk with no emotion..with no zeal. i talk the talk with nothing really backing me up. i love God, don't get me wrong. but i was not doing much to make this relationship work. i'd go to church, pray, go to life groups, cry. and over the past few months, i have been feeling this void, as well. i am so happy with my life. i'm so happy with my husband & my baby. but still a void... a longing, a yearning for something more. sort of like a thirst. you know when you're thirsty & you drink some soda, juice, coffee & still nothing helps. so you down a glass a glass of water & you are satisfied. it's like that.

and so i've been examining where things went wrong. and here, i will be truthfully honest. it's my blog. and getting this out will make me feel better. what happened with my relationship with God? i was disappointed in him. i feel in a sense that he failed me. before my Mom got sick, i had some rough patches with my walk with God, but it was so easy to get back on track. and when she got sick, i dove into his Word.. i clung to his promises of healing & stories of miracles. i remembered the cross. and prayed that He would *choose* my Mom to heal... to prove that He DOES do miracles. i hear all the time of people being miraculously healed. surely, he would show us, my church, our community.. that He does still do miracles. and as we all know, she passed away 16 months after being diagnosed with stage 4 - gastricesophogeal cancer. nothing doctors could do. a couple rounds of chemo. but it was possible for God to heal.

then i was disappointed with my Dad after my mother's death. i was disappointed that he would remarry so quickly after my mother's death. but in all honesty now, i am SO thankful for my stepmom. i love her. at the time when i needed a mother the most (after the birth of my child), she was there. but it was rough at the beginning. and i was disappointed with some other people in my life. and boom! i got married & moved away. to a new place where i only knew a handful of people. i prayed for God to help me let go of these disappointments, these hurts..and to let me move forward. and i did for a while. i had a baby & moved. and i've been so busy. with a new baby. a new house. and now a new job (which i am so thankful & truly blessed with).

i've been this type of person where i do so good with reading my Bible, having a great attitude, loving Jesus, praying, etc. for a few months. and then i stop. i pray a lot.. sometimes when it's convenient for me... when i need something. but i neglect other parts. and i go to church every sunday.

and so i've been thinking a lot about faithfulness. that is where i have failed God. with being faithful to him. but i am faithful in many parts of my life. i am faithful to my husband. loyal. and faithful to my son. faithful to my family, friends, church, job. i am faithful to the things that matter most to me. but why am i not faithful to God?! when everything that i have IS because of HIM! i am faithful to the things that matter the most, but God should be the UTMOST. i pray every night with my family before we lay fox down for bed.. and i pray a lot throughout the day. and still go to church. but i am not faithful with the Word of God. and one thing that also terrified me with the dream is that there is a lot of things I do not KNOW about God. i don't read my Bible so much.. so how can I know Him. sometimes, i hear a preacher say something & it shocks me because I DID NOT KNOW THAT OR THIS! and so this longing grew, i need to know more. i need to be prepared. i know that reciting the Bible.. or knowing everything in there will not get you to heaven.. but honestly, i don't think that it will hurt to know more than i already know. haha! it's your walk.. relationship with God.

i need to be more faithful. and it's been so easy to neglect that part, especially when no one holds me accountable. all through my teenage years, i had my youth pastor & parents hold me accountable. after i got married & in a new place, i didn't really have anyone to hold me accountable. but now, after talking with my husband, he is my accountability partner. we actually have something set up where it will tell him if i don't read my scriptures for the day. so cool what technology can do these days! but i am so excited about it. and with every passage that i read, i am to write a journal entry. it doesn't have to be long, but something pertaining to what i read. i feel like i've been given more hope.. another chance at making this relationship work with God... to be faithful to him. and i am so thankful to God that he has let me have another chance. and i pray that i can make him proud.

life is filled with choices. i can either choose God or not. i could choose to spend eternity in heaven or be damned to hell. and why would i not choose God when he's given me everything. and He CHOSE me! we are all children of God. and i just recently read where God chose Mary to carry Jesus.. so that he would be born & die for our sins. God gave us the greatest gift of all. And then I think.. well, God CHOSE me. he chose me to have a relationship & walk with him.. and to share the good news.. like Mary who was chosen to carry Jesus, God chose me to carry the Word of God, the love of Jesus & let others know.. to be a witness & an example.

so i choose to walk with God. i choose to know more of him. i choose to fall more incredibly in love with him. i choose to be more like him. i choose to be faithful because he does matter. i choose because he chose me. because he loves me. because he has NOT failed me. because he has blessed me. because he understands me. because i matter to him.

dreams really do come true

at least some of mine do.

i am not talking about dreams as in hopes, dreams, & aspirations... well, i guess that, too.

i've always dreamt i'd marry an amazing guy. check. mark that off my list. i've always dreamt of having a baby. check. another one down! and i have a few more of those on my lists. slowly but surely i will mark them off my list!!

but i'm talking about actual dreams. it could be a gift.. or a curse. i don't really know what to call them. i just take them however they come. it's not like i really have much choice in them, i guess.

i have been having some really weird dreams lately. dreams that have really come true in a sense. and they are the ones that really stick with me & i remember to tell the next day. i'm not trying to sound cooky, but it's the truth.

i had been meaning to write about this before (one of the many things i have wanted to write about). but last night, i had a dream about my youngest brother. and it wasn't a good dream. but i woke up & just prayed for him. he's currently stationed in north carolina & is in the marines. i prayed for God's hand of protection over his life. and right now, he's in training & doesn't have communication access for a month. oh joy!

my mom passed away almost four years ago, and she, too, had this "gift" of dreams coming true. i remember specific dreams she had about this lady at church & when she confronted this lady about them, she confirmed things that occured in my mom's dreams. when my mom would dream about certain people, she would wake up & pray for them & their families. she would tell me that if i ever had dreams about people to wake up & pray for them. and that's what i do.

for instance, when i was pregnant, i wanted to have a girl & was really hoping for one. the night before the ultrasound, i had a dream that i went to the hospital & they gave me a sonogram (photo) & said "it's a boy!" and i kept telling them it wasn't my baby.. that i couldn't see it (the male part) & just kept saying that over & over. well, i woke up the next morning & just knew that it was a boy & told brandon about my dream. so at the hospital while in the ultrasound room, the tech was checking all of the baby's vital organs & she just started to move the device around my tummy (i guess to spread the gel out) & she passed by the baby's legs quickly & in a split second i saw his "third leg". ha! i looked over at brandon & said "it's a boy. i saw 'it'". my ultrasound confirmed my dream. and what's funny is that in my dream i kept saying that i couldn't see "it", but during the actual ultrasound, i saw "it".

another one, a few weeks before i delivered fox, i had a dream that really disturbed me. i had a dream that something terrible happened to my baby boy. i had a dream that my baby died of an aneurysm. i honestly don't know what that is.. but i didn't see my baby die, i just knew that he did & that word stuck out. i woke up terrified. and of course, i prayed & prayed against it. it just scared me. i know that sometimes during pregnancy, women have scary dreams. and i don't know if i necessarily blame this on my hormones. a couple of weeks after my dream, i had an ultrasound & they found some dilation on fox's lateral ventricles... something about the cerebral spinal fluid was not being completely released. yada, yada, yada! not what i wanted to hear. we just lifted my baby up in prayer & just waited until he was born to confirm that he was okay. and praise God, we got a good report! i feel that dream i had prepared me to not go crazy over worry & to just put all of my trust in God.

another instance, i had four dreams about one of my brothers... just within a few days. and every time, i would wake up & pray. because i am several hours away, i don't really know what's going on in my brother's lives. we talk every other week or so. or keep up through facebook. so out of those four dreams, i only really remembered 3 of the dreams. one dream that he was in was really a dream about me, my mom & fox. i told brandon about all my dreams.. and a few days later, i talked to my sister in law & asked her about my brother. and she started giving me the "juice".. of all this stuff that was going on in his life. and would you not believe that she hit every main point of the main points in every one of my dreams. CRAZY!! and after everything was said, i recanted to her all of my dreams.

i think it's a little freaky.. and scary.. and a little exciting. i know i had been dealing with some personal issues for months. mainly fears. and i would pray to God to please take away some things in my life because they were keeping me from really enjoying my life or to show me something.. as to why i was going through those things. i was looking for understanding, knowledge, etc. and i had been suffering i guess from a little anxiety from these stupid fears. and one night i had this dream that really shook me to my core. wow. i still get chills thinking about this dream. but after much thought & replaying the dream over & over again in my head.. i finally understood why i was having these fears & i truly believe God showed me the cause of my fears. i sought some counsel from my pastor's wife from my hometown.. i feel she understands me & i guess knew where these fears come from. and over the past few months, i have been working on those issues. but i have finally gotten over the anxiety. praise God!

and i have had many, many more dreams.. even others that have come true. and i don't know what this all means.. but i thank God for them. and i will just continue to lift these people up in prayer. that is all i can really do. i'm thinking of keeping a journal of all my dreams. i especially want to do it because it's not very often that i dream of my Mom. and i love to dream about her. sometimes the dreams are really sad. such as, her being sick with cancer or me trying to get her to go somewhere with me, but she won't & i guess she can't go anywhere with me because she's gone. or just things like that. dreams about her are bittersweet. but i'm thankful for just a little glimpse of her, you know?

i think i will go buy me a little journal... so then i won't seem like a freak. ha!

i wish my dream of me winning the lottery would actually come to pass! ha! guess i should start playing the lottery!! j/k

i am such a slacker.

i always am thinking of things i want to write about.. and i have quite a few things i want to talk about. my only issue is... just doing it. ha!

my life has changed a little (or a lot) in the last month. i got a job. my child is going to a daycare at a church. it has been a blessing & a curse, i guess. i am blessed with working for a great company, great pay, great benefits, great people. i'm blessed. no doubt about it. the curse.. my child got sick for the first time. it's such a bummer seeing him sick & helpless. it started with a runny nose to a mild ear infection and now a cough.

it's been somewhat hard transitioning from being a housewife to going back to work... but women do this all the time. surely, if i can give birth without an epidural, i can conquer & overcome this! honestly, my biggest issue is time management. i want to spend as much time as possible with my son. when i come home, i don't want to cook or clean, i want to take a nap with fox or play with him. i want to love on him extra. and let him know i didn't desert him! some things i am doing to assure i spend more time with him during the week (when i'm away from him the most).. is to bag his lunches in little baggies for the following week (do this on the weekends), pump his milk for the following day (i'm still nursing & want to keep it up so i pump at work), set out our clothes the night before, & get our bags ready for the next day. by doing some of this, it actually eliminates some time not spent with him.

i'm bummed i'm not getting as much sleep as i used to. and now, i live for saturdays.. when i can sleep in. ha! i've been feeling bad that i have kept him up as long as i can at night just because i want to spend more time with him, but honestly, we all need more sleep. so we will start going to bed a little earlier from now on. i just hate thinking that i used to be with him 24/7 and now it's only like 5 hours/day awake with him. so i really don't mind it so much getting up with him in the middle of the night still because it's more time spent with him.. but it makes for long days at work.

me going to work and he going to daycare has thrown him off a little, as well. and being sick has not helped him. God bless my little boy! we've been having problems with him not eating or drinking while we're away from each other. i've googled ways to better help us in this transition, but can we really undo what has been done for the past 8 months?! he's gotten so used to me or brandon feeding him. he took a bottle for the first 5 weeks while i was supplementing with formula.. and since then, i have soley been breastfeeding him. so he doesn't understand the bottle and sometimes will refuse it. of course, i've introduced the sippy cup, but it's more of a toy for him. some days he gets it & drinks.. some days he doesn't. also, he doesn't eat his baby food or naps as much. my poor little bam! we used to be on somewhat of a schedule when we were home together. and now, he's having to adjust to a new schedule & it's been a little hard on him. it's been a little discouraging for me. i've gone to his school a couple of times to help feed him his lunch. my thought process in this is that he will see that it's okay to eat there. i'm not going today in hopes that he will eat on his own. so we'll see. :-/

i know this has all been a little major for both of us. i miss being with my boy every day, all day. and i know it will get better for the both of us. we pray every night that the next day we will progress in this... every day will be better than the day before. and we thank God that he's blessed us abundantly.

if you read this, please be in prayer with us that we'll manage our time wisely. and this transition will get easier for the both of us!

i looove my boy so very much. he's the sweetest, happiest little cuddler! i'm a proud momma. God is good!

my birthday weekend

i had a really great birthday. i didn't do much of anything.. but spend it with the ones i love. my daddy drove up on saturday to see me.. i mean, to see fox. heehee! fox really enjoyed having his lito here. i was really surprised that he didn't freak out. as of late, we've been experiencing a lot of separation anxiety & fox freaks out when i even walk out of the room. but he was really laid back with my dad. unfortunately, brandon didn't get to go eat with us saturday night due to church & i missed out because of my dad's visit. on my birthday (sunday), i cooked breakfast for everyone.. and we just lounged around the house. we went to eat lunch at one of my favorite restaurants, catfish hole. and lito had to make the 6 hour drive back home. boo! :( so brandon, fox & i drove to tulsa (1.5 hr away) to look/shop around the mall & eat at the cheesecake factory for my birthday. oh! the cheesecake was sooo good. i'm craving one right now as i think about it. it was really was a great day. i'm so glad my daddy got to come up...even if it was so short & it meant a lot to me. in the next few posts, i will write about what i got and bought with my birthday money. i'm pretty stoked!

but here are a few pictures from brandon's bday

valentine's day

my birthday/ lito's visit