void.

if you came into my house, you'd think i've been pretty lazy on my saturday, but i haven't. i have been pretty busy today.. i honestly folded laundry for two hours straight, cleaned out fox's closet & updated his size, boxed up 4 boxes of clothes, toys & blankets to join the multitude of boxes in the garage, hung up his updated clothes, and i still have all the stacks of mine & brandon's laundry folded neatly on our bed, ready & waiting to be put away. ugh! it's turned out to be an all day affair.

after folding & dealing with closets & laundry.. i finally had a chance to sit down & relax. and then i was overcome with such emotion. i finally sat down and acknowledged that today marked the fourth anniversary of my mother's passing. it's ever present on my mind.. and i think of her constantly.. but it finally hit me when i sat down. i always dread this part of the year.. honestly, i dread any time i remember that she's gone. but it just proves that another year of many years has passed where i will be without my mother. and it's just too long.

last weekend, i went to visit my family in louisiana, my hometown. and i would normally go to church that sunday to visit my friends & home church & show off my now 9 month old son. but that saturday my dad asked me if i wanted to as a family go to my mother's grave & take flowers out there on sunday morning. honestly, i hadn't paid my respects in a couple of years. and i am ashamed that i neglected her... neglected someone i loved/love so much. i was either pregnant, crunched for time, didn't have enough gas, had an infant with me, or it was raining. too many excuses. so sunday morning, the family took flowers to her grave. and i re-read her tombstone. i read the verses from proverbs 31 that were written on the back. i played back memories of the dreadful/traumatic day. i played back good memories we had as a family. and i thought of how i wish my son would have had the chance to meet his Mimi.

it really stinks when someone you love & admire & adore is taken from you. but i rejoice in knowing that she is indeed alive & well & cancer-free & sitting at the feet of Jesus. she was my world. i loved her tremendously & still do. and my heart is broken & torn without her. and sometimes i feel lost. i want to be healed of it. but my dad said it best last weekend... "life is not fair. when she died, we were all left with a big void. and we just have to keep going until we're reunited." i know my Dad was the one who lost the most. but i feel like i did, too.

and so today, i remember the most amazing & beautiful woman i have ever known. she lived a great life.. she was full of life & gave me life. and she is one reason i keep on living. she was fearless & faithful. she loved abundantly & unconditionally. she loved her family above all else. she exhibited true beauty. she was the best mother, wife, child, sister, friend, aunt, etc. to ever grace this earth. and i am blessed to have been her child.

happy mother's day, mommy. you are so loved & missed.