if you're human, you know what it is to have a craving, right? if you've been pregnant, you know what it's like to crave something like ice cream, pickles, lemons, etc. well, i didn't really have any cravings when i was pregnant. but for the past year or so, i have been craving something else. i have been craving more of God. if you have a craving for a hamburger or pickles, you just go to the store & you get it. but for me, i have grown so complacent with my walk with Christ.. that I knew & have known what I wanted, but I have found it so hard to get what I want. I have had the car, but not the gas to get there. I have not had any motivation. or when I have had motivation, I have felt like a failure because i do so well for a little while & then I go back in that same rut i started.
a few months ago, marcus (our pastor & friend) asked us when was the time that we felt the most close to God.. and for me that time was when my mother was sick with cancer. i prayed constantly, went to church as much as i could, i fully relied on God for healing. and i think with the situation i was in, he was ALL i had. but even before my mom was sick, i was close to him than i am now. and trying not to repeat myself so many times, my life changed.. a lot. i was hurt... by a lot of people. i was burnt out with ministry. i was tired. and i needed time to grieve. i needed a break. within the past few years since everything went down, i just grew complacent. i wasn't going out & "sinning", but i wasn't making my walk with Christ any better, you know? i've tried on many occasions to get out of the rut. a friend told me last week, "if you're not moving forward, then you are moving backwards." kind of like a stream.
for the past several months, i have been praying really, really hard.. for God to break me out of this "rut".. break me out of that mold. i want my relationship with him to be like it once was.. but even better. and i don't want a bad situation to draw me closer to him. i want to have that intimate relationship with him on my own. i have been praying for more passion. because i want to be passionate about him. i want more of him. i want that burning desire for more of him. i know i want him.. and i need him. and i am so tired of making excuses & saying "i'll get to making time for him later". i want to know more about him.. because honestly, i feel ashamed when i hear somebody say something that was found in the Bible & me not knowing that was even in there! you know what i mean? i don't want my past.. or my hurts.. or my failures to keep me from being the best person i can be.. or to keep me from knowing God more.. or yet, keep me from getting to heaven. the only person that will keep me from spending eternity in the gates of heaven with my Father God.. or spending it with my Mom, grandma & sister.. it's me.
our church just launched life/small groups for this fall. and one of the groups for the fall is called Crazy Love. we are reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan.
This is a little snippet:
yes, yes, & yes! that is all me. all of the above. i want it all.
when i saw this group & read what it was about. i knew that i would sign up. tomorrow, we will meet for our third time. honestly, in the past i have never wanted to join small groups. i didn't want to get involved with anything more than i "had" to. but i look forward to this group. we have a great group of ladies. and i feel like i can be myself around them.. to be real. sometimes, i feel like i have to not necessarily "put on a show", but i just can't really let them completely in. but we share things & we let go. we move on. i am making new friends.. and i love it. i've always told brandon that even though we're surrounded by people, i feel so alone. i don't want to try hard to make friendships work... but if i have to work at it, it's just not worth it. you know what i mean? it just needs to flow. well, i have been connecting with so many people these past few weeks. and it is so encouraging.. and it's lifted my spirits. i know God is already working in my life.
so far, this book is really good. have you ever read a little passage in the Bible & it click with you? well, i had something happen to me in the first chapter. and i was put in my place, so to speak. and later that night, i knew i needed to quit making excuses, bit the bullet, & i read a few passages from the Bible. and would you know that it had to do with what i read in the book. i didn't know that would happen. but God works in mysterious & wonderous ways.
God is good. and i'm really excited about this new season of my life. i know our relationship will be restored & it will be better than ever!
If you are in the same boat, I highly recommend this book. I think it's a push in the right direction.
1 comments:
I am so happy for you! I often get in that rut.. and I hate it!!! It's a hard one to break out of. That book is AWESOME though. I read it once, and my hubby read it twice. You will love it.
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