faithfulness

i've been doing a lot of soul searching, i guess you would call it. a lot of thinking lately. trying to straighten some things out in my life. and with this post, i will begin with a dream i had just a couple of months ago.. the one that shook me to my core. that just frightened the daylights out of me.

since, i moved to arkansas, i had been dealing with a lot of fears. mainly fear of death. i'm not suicidal.. so don't get your panties in a wad. ha! just scared of it. scared of what if something happens to me right now.. what will happen to fox? what will happened to brandon? what will i be remembered for? just plain out fear. fear of the unknown. i know what the Bible says about to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord. but still.. i don't know what it's like. it's still hard to grasp the fact that my Mom is gone.. so how can i really grasp what it will be like for me?

and i started to get a little anxiety about it.. it just started affecting me.. like not being able to enjoy my day to day activities with my son. because i would be playing with him & a thought would pop into my head.. like total fear that what if something happened to me today.. blah blah blah. surely i'm not the only one like this?!? right? and in a way.. seeing that my mom died at 42 years old.. she still had a lot of living to do. and i WANT to enjoy many more years than she did. and i would get this fear like everyday.. so many times throughout the day.

and i would pray.. "God, take this feeling away from me".. "I want to enjoy my life & not have these stupid thoughts & fears." etc., etc. and one night i had this dream that just scared me.. and after thinking on this dream for a few days/weeks, i'm pretty sure i know what it meant.

my dream: i was with a group of about 15-20 people, standing on a sidewalk just outside of a two story brick buildling & it was nighttime. and we were looking at the sky and saw this beautiful array of stars just swirling in the sky. it kind of reminds me of the milkyway. and we were just in awe.. staring at the heavens. and these stars would get a little bigger & then disappear. and they were getting closer to us. and all at the same time just swirling.. dancing. and a few stars would go off like a shooting star. and as these stars got closer, i would see that they would open up in a big V & shoot off.. like a shooting star. and as it was getting closer, i saw that these V's were actually doves & these stars would open up into a big dove (V) & fly off. and all the while, getting closer to us. then i saw, that this star opened up into this big angel. and all the while what i thought was a dove was in reality an angel. and this angel just flew off. i was so confused at what i was seeing. and then, these three stars opened up & these angels just emerged. what did they look like? these big, muscular white men with big wings.. kind of glowing. i guess that's the picture i have of angels. and these angels just shot off in whichever way. and i started panicking... more like freaking out. i think whenever i hear of people dreaming of angels.. the end is near for them. and when i saw these angels shoot off, i just started praying/exclaiming/panicking.. "God, I'm not ready. Please no! I'm not ready God! I'm not ready!" and in my panic, i was wondering where brandon was. so i thought i would go look for him in this building... but the door was locked. and i saw this little storage building just by the entrance & the door was open & i thought maybe i would find something in there to open the door. and as i walked through the doorway, i almost bumped into the back of this lady. and she turned around & i asked her where brandon was. she kind of laughed (sneered) & said brandon wasn't there. and she just kind of threw me off. and she said "i've been praying for you". what a shock! i didn't know who this lady was.. why would she sneer that brandon wasn't there, but then tell me she was praying for me. and so i started to back out the door as she kept telling me she had been praying for me. and as i turned around, i saw the group of people that i was with in a single file line & coming up along the line were these men in military uniforms. and i jumped in the front of the line and bowed my head as these men passed by me and i woke up.

i woke up so scared..petrified. and this did not make my fear of dying any better! and like i said in my earlier post, my mom always said to pray after dreams. and so i began to pray.. and not look outside the windows as i passed by the bedrooms. ha! and i just asked God to show me what this dream meant. to help me understand.

and this is what i feel he showed me. i am not ready. i am not. over the past few years, especially after the death of my mom, i have grown so complacent with my walk with God. i walk the walk with no emotion..with no zeal. i talk the talk with nothing really backing me up. i love God, don't get me wrong. but i was not doing much to make this relationship work. i'd go to church, pray, go to life groups, cry. and over the past few months, i have been feeling this void, as well. i am so happy with my life. i'm so happy with my husband & my baby. but still a void... a longing, a yearning for something more. sort of like a thirst. you know when you're thirsty & you drink some soda, juice, coffee & still nothing helps. so you down a glass a glass of water & you are satisfied. it's like that.

and so i've been examining where things went wrong. and here, i will be truthfully honest. it's my blog. and getting this out will make me feel better. what happened with my relationship with God? i was disappointed in him. i feel in a sense that he failed me. before my Mom got sick, i had some rough patches with my walk with God, but it was so easy to get back on track. and when she got sick, i dove into his Word.. i clung to his promises of healing & stories of miracles. i remembered the cross. and prayed that He would *choose* my Mom to heal... to prove that He DOES do miracles. i hear all the time of people being miraculously healed. surely, he would show us, my church, our community.. that He does still do miracles. and as we all know, she passed away 16 months after being diagnosed with stage 4 - gastricesophogeal cancer. nothing doctors could do. a couple rounds of chemo. but it was possible for God to heal.

then i was disappointed with my Dad after my mother's death. i was disappointed that he would remarry so quickly after my mother's death. but in all honesty now, i am SO thankful for my stepmom. i love her. at the time when i needed a mother the most (after the birth of my child), she was there. but it was rough at the beginning. and i was disappointed with some other people in my life. and boom! i got married & moved away. to a new place where i only knew a handful of people. i prayed for God to help me let go of these disappointments, these hurts..and to let me move forward. and i did for a while. i had a baby & moved. and i've been so busy. with a new baby. a new house. and now a new job (which i am so thankful & truly blessed with).

i've been this type of person where i do so good with reading my Bible, having a great attitude, loving Jesus, praying, etc. for a few months. and then i stop. i pray a lot.. sometimes when it's convenient for me... when i need something. but i neglect other parts. and i go to church every sunday.

and so i've been thinking a lot about faithfulness. that is where i have failed God. with being faithful to him. but i am faithful in many parts of my life. i am faithful to my husband. loyal. and faithful to my son. faithful to my family, friends, church, job. i am faithful to the things that matter most to me. but why am i not faithful to God?! when everything that i have IS because of HIM! i am faithful to the things that matter the most, but God should be the UTMOST. i pray every night with my family before we lay fox down for bed.. and i pray a lot throughout the day. and still go to church. but i am not faithful with the Word of God. and one thing that also terrified me with the dream is that there is a lot of things I do not KNOW about God. i don't read my Bible so much.. so how can I know Him. sometimes, i hear a preacher say something & it shocks me because I DID NOT KNOW THAT OR THIS! and so this longing grew, i need to know more. i need to be prepared. i know that reciting the Bible.. or knowing everything in there will not get you to heaven.. but honestly, i don't think that it will hurt to know more than i already know. haha! it's your walk.. relationship with God.

i need to be more faithful. and it's been so easy to neglect that part, especially when no one holds me accountable. all through my teenage years, i had my youth pastor & parents hold me accountable. after i got married & in a new place, i didn't really have anyone to hold me accountable. but now, after talking with my husband, he is my accountability partner. we actually have something set up where it will tell him if i don't read my scriptures for the day. so cool what technology can do these days! but i am so excited about it. and with every passage that i read, i am to write a journal entry. it doesn't have to be long, but something pertaining to what i read. i feel like i've been given more hope.. another chance at making this relationship work with God... to be faithful to him. and i am so thankful to God that he has let me have another chance. and i pray that i can make him proud.

life is filled with choices. i can either choose God or not. i could choose to spend eternity in heaven or be damned to hell. and why would i not choose God when he's given me everything. and He CHOSE me! we are all children of God. and i just recently read where God chose Mary to carry Jesus.. so that he would be born & die for our sins. God gave us the greatest gift of all. And then I think.. well, God CHOSE me. he chose me to have a relationship & walk with him.. and to share the good news.. like Mary who was chosen to carry Jesus, God chose me to carry the Word of God, the love of Jesus & let others know.. to be a witness & an example.

so i choose to walk with God. i choose to know more of him. i choose to fall more incredibly in love with him. i choose to be more like him. i choose to be faithful because he does matter. i choose because he chose me. because he loves me. because he has NOT failed me. because he has blessed me. because he understands me. because i matter to him.